I feel changed.

"It is a bit exhausting to hear over and over again how "awesome" you are when you, in fact, know very well you are not." -Katie Davis

I understand Katie Davis. I understand the truth of how I am not as "awesome" as people cut me out to be. My whole life I have believed the lie that I must meet the expectations set before me. I strive to work harder and harder, then wind up tired and empty.

I have spent my whole life in a comfortable bubble. I have always made A's on my report cards and had access to the best schools. I have always lived in the financial safety net of my parents. I have a solid support system in friends and family. I have never fought a life-threatening sickness. I have never even broken a bone. I do not know what its like to fear for my life. I do not know what its like to live in the midst of life-altering drugs or raging alcohol addictions. I have never had to fight for the freedom to be completely myself.

Living amongst the most diverse group of people I have ever encountered in my life, I feel changed.

No matter how hard I work for these kids, no matter how much I want them to succeed, no matter how many days I do not sleep trying to make the greatest lesson plans, I wind up tired and empty again. I realize life is not about what I can do to save the world. Life is about adoring the one who made life at all.

"In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Phil 4:12-13

Try as I may, try as I might I will never meet the expectations of humans, but praise Jesus He met them for me. Without Jesus, I wind up chocking for air in a sandstorm of expectations and worldly desires.

So yes, I feel changed, but changed in a humble kind of way knowing every face around me has the same story. The one who makes our heart beat and gave us breathe sent his only Son to save us all, He came and died so that we may live. God sees our righteousness even at our worst, and yearns to set us free.

Where we end, He is just beginning.

Teach for America Institute

"We habitually and instinctively look to other things besides God and his grace as our justification, hope, significance and security. We believe the gospel at one level, but at deeper levels we do not. Human approval, professional success, power and influence, family and clan identity- all of these things serve as our heart’s “functional trust” rather than what Christ has done, and as a result we continue to be driven to a great degree by fear, anger, and lack of self-control. You cannot change such things through mere will-power, through learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. We must feed on the gospel, as it were, digesting it and making it part of ourselves. That is how we grow." -Tim Keller

A quick update:

Life has been crazy, its amazing how quickly 3 weeks has flown by. The days are long, but the weeks go by quick. I am currently in Atlanta, GA living in the dorms of Georgia Tech with about 750 other TFA corps members. The South Carolina (there are only 86 of us), New Orleans (250+), Atlanta (250+), Ohio (35 members) and a few smaller regions are all together at institute to train. We all wake up around 5:15am then have breakfast at 6:00am and we are all on school buses by 6:30am to be transported to our assigned inner city schools. I was placed at Brown Middle School in the neighborhood where Martin Luther King grew up. My kids will go from this middle school to Booker T. Washington HS, where MLK graduated from. I am currently teaching an 8th grade English class from 9:00-9:55am with about 12 kids...all African American and carrying lots of baggage from home. Theres a story behind every one of their little faces.

The time I am not teaching, we are rigorously working in classrooms in workshops and lecture sessions. Its an extremely overwhelming amount of information to absorb and my brain often feels like mush. But, I am still alive and thanks to Camp Ozark, I know my limits and how to take care of myself. I refuse to sacrifice sleep, exercise and nutrition so I am one of the few who still has my head held high. People are quickly realizing how things start tumbling down the second you stop taking care of yourself. Its about that time when people are starting to quit and give up, there have been lots of tears and break downs around this place. Good thing, I love to encourage people! haha. 

I am having a hard time learning how to lesson plan, but I know it will come. I just have to keep trying and learning from failures. I'll admit, its not easy at all. I love my kids and I know they know I care, but its hard to make learning "fun" for them. I feel like, they are so desensitized to failure that they really dont care about grades and they are just not motivated in school. Last week I taught them about MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech and we had to find the methods he uses to advance his argument (allusions, repetition and metaphors). Something that is so easy for you and I is like a foreign language to them. Most of them, cannot even write complete sentences. They cant spell and they have a hard time reading. It brings tears to my eyes to think about how privileged I have been...why was I born in such a wonderful home? I could have been born into this situation just like them. 

I may never have such an incredible opportunity to be exposed to such diversity again. Just within TFA I walk down the hallway and there are 10 different accents from all around the country, there are Buddists, Muslims, Jewish, Atheistic people and then I go to these schools and the culture is like nothing I have ever known....this is an amazing experience. It is bringing out my strengths, but more importantly forcing me to see my weaknesses and face them. 

I could go on and on, but I have to get back to lesson planning! All that to say, I am in an incredible place of growth and I could not do it without your support! I love you all so much and I am so beyond thankful for the people in my life!! 

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement, you have no idea how refreshing it is just knowing you all are behind me.

Miss Pitts :)

"Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." Luke 12:48

The Mountaintop

The days have been long and every day I crawl into bed only to fall into deep sleep, but there is a peace flooding over me. Since I arrived about a week ago, my Teach for America training has been a whirlwind. Tonight is the first night I have sat down to even try to process anything. I still do not know my placement, where I will move when we get back on July 23, who I will live with, what school I will teach at, what class I will specifically teach, and on top of all this I found out last week I have to re-take this treacherous standardized test on Saturday at 6:30am. Its really beyond me how or why I have not been overcome by anxiety since I have had every opportunity to succumb to it. At this point, I am so thankful to be here because I know this is exactly where I am meant to be. Every day I feel myself climbing this steep hill, but I refuse to take my eyes off the mountain top. I can see the light from above and all I can think about is how I just want to do God's will. I know I will stumble and I know I will fall, but more than that I know He will help me up.

"Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter with me now, because I've been to the mountaintop."

-MLK Jr. 

Beginning on Monday, I get the chance to teach my own class of 8th grade English and we are ironically analyzing one of Martin Luther King Jr.'s speeches. He grew up near this middle school and went to the high school my students will go to next year. After reading his speech, the passage above stood out to me. Dr. King had wisdom and he knew something about a hope many have yet to discover. 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

Romans 12:12

Thank you for your prayers, they are powerful and effective. It is only the beginning of a long two years and I cannot wait to share my experiences with you! I will try to continue writing, but be patient with me.