Where does my martyrdom mentality come from?
I have an illness, appearing in the form of discontentment with my body image, dislike of myself, refusal to be served, unwillingness to accept my own worthiness, fear of someone actually loving me as I am...I am so afraid of actually believing I am good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough.
My sinful flesh is so loud, and clear. I am so afraid of accepting Grace for fear of taking advantage of it. I don't trust myself to live completely free in God's love, without chains to my sinful identity.
It's as though Jesus is calling me to walk on water, "Come, get out of the boat, and be free with me to defy the ways of the world." but I am too afraid to let go of the boat, too afraid to trust myself to not stray from Jesus once I begin walking towards Him. I cling to my humanity, to my sin, to my flesh almost like a self-inflicted wound. Feel pain, just a little bit, all the time, as a reminder of where I came from and what Jesus saves me from. It's a control thing...a desire to control my own salvation. Just like Eve the thoughts and lies in my head go around and around for the past 27 years, "...but did God really say he loves me, completely, all of me? Could it be true? But I am not good enough for Him to love, I don't deserve Him. My own earthly father didn't even tell me I was beautiful, so how can I be beautiful? But I don't look like Kate Hudson, Natalie Walker, Jennifer Aniston, so how could I ever be worthy of affection?
What does it mean to "live in Grace"?
-not pursuing passions and selfish ambition "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather count others more significant than yourself." Phil 2:3
-being defined by Jesus, and what He has done for me on the cross. Loving His law because He says it is good. Obeying His commandments. Honoring Him in my words and actions.
-desiring to become more like Christ, not for selfish ambition, but as we fall more in love with Jesus, the Spirit naturally transforms our hearts to become more like him. "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Gal 2:20
I am the younger brother in the prodigal son lately, I have gone to the Father and asked for my inheritance of Grace, in full. Then I ran and exploited it, using it for my own fleshly desires and passions. I have returned to you, Father with a humbled heart; feeling unworthy of your acceptance, humiliated and ashamed of using the wealth you gave me for myself. I come before you now and ask for your forgiveness, make me a slave in your household...but instead of punishment, you ran to me, picked me up from the pit, put your robe of righteousness over me, kissed my feet and called me yours. You have killed the fattened calf for me, and washed me clean of my sins.
