Martyrdom

Where does my martyrdom mentality come from?

I have an illness, appearing in the form of discontentment with my body image, dislike of myself, refusal to be served, unwillingness to accept my own worthiness, fear of someone actually loving me as I am...I am so afraid of actually believing I am good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough.

My sinful flesh is so loud, and clear. I am so afraid of accepting Grace for fear of taking advantage of it. I don't trust myself to live completely free in God's love, without chains to my sinful identity.

It's as though Jesus is calling me to walk on water, "Come, get out of the boat, and be free with me to defy the ways of the world." but I am too afraid to let go of the boat, too afraid to trust myself to not stray from Jesus once I begin walking towards Him. I cling to my humanity, to my sin, to my flesh almost like a self-inflicted wound. Feel pain, just a little bit, all the time, as a reminder of where I came from and what Jesus saves me from. It's a control thing...a desire to control my own salvation. Just like Eve the thoughts and lies in my head go around and around for the past 27 years, "...but did God really say he loves me, completely, all of me? Could it be true? But I am not good enough for Him to love, I don't deserve Him. My own earthly father didn't even tell me I was beautiful, so how can I be beautiful? But I don't look like Kate Hudson, Natalie Walker, Jennifer Aniston, so how could I ever be worthy of affection?

What does it mean to "live in Grace"?

-not pursuing passions and selfish ambition "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather count others more significant than yourself." Phil 2:3

-being defined by Jesus, and what He has done for me on the cross. Loving His law because He says it is good. Obeying His commandments. Honoring Him in my words and actions.

-desiring to become more like Christ, not for selfish ambition, but as we fall more in love with Jesus, the Spirit naturally transforms our hearts to become more like him. "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Gal 2:20

I am the younger brother in the prodigal son lately, I have gone to the Father and asked for my inheritance of Grace, in full. Then I ran and exploited it, using it for my own fleshly desires and passions. I have returned to you, Father with a humbled heart; feeling unworthy of your acceptance, humiliated and ashamed of using the wealth you gave me for myself. I come before you now and ask for your forgiveness, make me a slave in your household...but instead of punishment, you ran to me, picked me up from the pit, put your robe of righteousness over me, kissed my feet and called me yours. You have killed the fattened calf for me, and washed me clean of my sins.

"Nothing happens to anyone that he is not fitted by nature to bear." -Maximus

Tonight was one of those nights when I just wanted to come home, cuddle up in bed and escape the chaos of the world. So I found myself lying in my bed immersed in the relentless courage and valor of Maximus in Gladiator. Whether Maximus or William Wallace, something about the Savior character always manages to make my heart race and send tears streaming down my face by the end of the movie. This time, instead of tears came contemplation after Maximus states one of his many bold lines in the movie:

"Nothing happens to anyone that he is not fitted by nature to bear." 

At once I heard a voice in my head quietly murmuring, "What am I fitted by nature to bear?" In other words, I felt myself questioning if I really believe I am equipped enough for my own battles.

When was the last time I indisputably believed, without question, God is enough for me?

As a child, my innate adventurous and daring nature took me racing through fields bareback on horses, swimming in cool summer streams, climbing to the highest branches and fully believing the world was at my fingertips. Back then, I never once questioned what people would think of me, or if I was good enough. In my world, horses could talk and nothing inhibited my outrageous imagination. There were no limits, whatsoever, to possibility and no one could convince me otherwise.

No wonder Jesus told his disciples,"...unless you become like children you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 18:3

And no wonder his Spirit inspires people today, like JK Rowling and CS Lewis, to write children's books about magical worlds and flying dragons.

And no wonder I still read them.

As we grow up we tend to question our own abilities again, and again. The world and whatever forces at work within it seem to bridle our childhood fearlessness and instill in us a foreign sense of self-doubt. The Truth of who we were born to be in Eden was interrupted by the serpents question, "But did God say...". Today it is the same voice of the Fall that makes us reach for control and doubt if God has provided enough for us. Instead of listening to the whisper of who we were created to be, we listen to the voice of the world screaming at us to become who we think we should be. 

Our royal identity as Sons and Daughters of the King of all Kings is now the object of our insecurities; what was once so indisputably ingrained in us when we were formed has now become the birthplace of our deepest fears.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather be the little girl who races through fields and relentlessly believes, even when it doesn't make sense to believe; even if it means being disappointed over, and over again. Like Maximus, I want to carry myself with an air of true honor and courage; I want to believe without question, I have been completely and utterly equipped to bear all things, believe all things, endure all things because my Hope does not put me to shame.

So, the question is: who were you before you started questioning who you were? 

"Faith is not the absence of doubt but the presence of belief."

"My child, there is not happiness without courage, no virtue without sorrow."

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7

"Seek God to find Him, & find God to keep searching for God forever."

“Experience has taught me that I connect best with others when I connect with the core of myself. 

When I allow God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful. 

I take myself less seriously, become aware that the breath of the Father is on my face.” 

- Brennan Manning

The last time I blogged, I was out of my boat, riding some scary and wild waves of trust and I had finally reached the great heights of exhilarating freedom. Now, here I am a few months later, still free-falling in the wake of a newfound understanding of Grace. I wake up every day looking up to majestic mountains out my bedroom window, praising God for who He is and who I am. My view of God continues to grow every day and with it, my own identity continues to be strengthened by Him and Him alone. Through my experiences here in Colorado, I have realized the simple truth of crying the Gospel with your life and communicating it through relationships. Each day I experience a deeper understanding of His love for me and everything in the world seems to point me back to it as I see it with fresh eyes.

Christianity is not a burden, it is not a legalistic set of rules, it is not a moral structure, you have nothing to prove; it is a real and severely intimate love affair with the only One who matters. 

Jesus Christ comes to us in our complete brokenness, in our insecurities, in our false sense of self-righteousness, and calls us his own. In Deuteronomy 4:24, God is described as a "consuming fire"... How many of us are only willing to draw close enough to this fire to be warmed and comforted, but not willing to be consumed by it and completely created new? I can honestly say I am often afraid to surrender everything to God. It is a scary thing to let go of control, but boy, oh boy, is it good. 

As Brennan Manning says, "I dare you to trust that (God) loves you just as you are, not as you should be. Because you are never going to be as you should be."

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart." Proverbs 21:12

3 minutes of Truth, well worth your time: 

John 14:1

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God. Believe also in Me." John 14:1

Learning to walk again.

I fell asleep last night to what seemed like the re-play of an old home video playing in my mind: I was a small child with blonde curls and chubby legs, wobbling and shaking as my Dad began teaching me to walk. Fear and uncertainty clearly showing on my face, I definitely did not want to be standing on my own with nothing to grasp for stability. But, my Dad was standing in front of me with arms wide open, a smile of reassurance on his face, beckoning me forward. One step at a time, I inched my way back into the safety of his big, strong arms...

                                               (photo cred: hilittlebird.com)

It has been a couple months since I have written anything on my blog. So much has changed and happened in my life, but God wasn't lying when He said he is always the same. He remains consistent and faithful even when we are so very unfaithful.

     "if we are faithless, he remains faithful–for he cannot deny himself."    2 Timothy 2:13

July 21

After a long year of TFA working as a 6th grade teacher in South Carolina, I decided it was okay to move on from a very unsustainable and unsupported job. So when my lease ended, I packed up a Uhaul trailer and set out on the next leg of my grand adventure.

After a week and a half road trip across the country from Charleston to Nashville to Chicago to Wisconsin to Omaha to Colorado, I finally landed in my final destination beneath the Flatiron mountains of Boulder, Colorado. Initially, I moved upon accepting a job at a "group home" for young girls and also discovering a place to rest my head at the home of a mutual friend from Charleston. Things looked uncertain, but totally great as I traveled along many intertwining interstates of the USA.

August 22

I am still in Boulder, now without a job due to several red flags and totally uncertain of what in the world I am doing. I guess you could say I am the epitome of a "free-spirited hippie" at this point and the world is probably looking at me calling me everything from entirely irresponsible to lost and totally crazy.

But, this morning I awoke remembering vividly the childhood film replaying in my mind. He's teaching me to walk again, and everything is going to be okay. Sometimes, we have to embrace that terrifying place of complete and utter trust in God alone; no attachments, no bondage, no commitments, no security before He scoops us back up in His arms and tells us, "Good job, little girl. I knew you could do it, you just had to believe. I was never going to let you hurt yourself."

One Student. One Story.

A couple weeks ago, word reverberated down the hall and into my classroom that we had received a “new student”. Most of the time, the phrase “new student” refers students who have been transferred as a result of bad behavior from another school. But this time it was different…Jessica's head of dirty blonde hair does not yet reach above my shoulder. Her brown eyes and sweet freckles accompany her authenticity.

The first day I met Jessica, her quiet demeanor and politeness took me by surprise. Having been at this middle school now for 8 months, I unfortunately had become quite desensitized to authentic respectfulness. Somehow she was placed in the loudest class with the most dominant girls in the grade. It was apparent that the class did not know what to do with Jessica or how to treat her. They seemed to flip flop between respect for her and feeling threatened by her. Anytime she spoke up in class, they rolled their eyes or jumped on her with aggressive remarks.

Surprisingly, unlike most sweet little girls thrown into a completely new culture and tough environment, Jessica held her own. Though her face might have acquired little red splotches, she would genuinely put the other students in their place with firm rebuttals, or humbly ignore them and focus on her work.

Battling my own way through this environment, I have watched Jessica do the same. She is a strong girl and a firm believer. Talking to her I have sensed her wisdom beyond her years. She is strong and determined, always clinging to hope. Even on the days I see tears in her eyes, her words are faithful and she believes things will get better. Today she wrote me a letter in response to a long note of encouragement I shared with her after a tearful day:

“To: Miss Pitts

From: Jessica

Dear Miss Pitts,

        You are right. I do have to look on the bright side. School is almost out and I am going to North Dakota for the summer!! So I will have a lot of fun. And I will also get new ideas to get me through next year. I always want to cry when I talk about going because I am so excited!!! And sometimes I do feel like some people see the way I treat the teachers and students. Sometimes I just want to give up, but I know that will get me nowhere. When the kids are mean to me I just think of the summer.

Love, Jessica”

I saw myself in this sweet little girl today and she brought me comfort. Thank you, heavenly Father, for delighting in me and gifting me with encouragement through the sweet and innocent love of your children. May we continue seeking you in the little things every day.

The Jellyfish

The beach is not exactly my favorite place to be, but today I needed to feel the wind against my face so I went for a run. After a good hour of pounding out the thoughts in my head, I took off my shoes and walked in the ocean.

As I asked God to calm my anxious thoughts and give me reassurance, I saw five little boys crowded around a blob in the sand. Walking by them they ran around and yelled, eyes full of fear and trepidation as if the blob was about to jump up and eat them whole. Each time they ran away, they would immediately go to their Dad for a little courage and then return again to the mysterious blob in the sand. Finally as their Dad made his way down the beach to the blob with them, the boys bent over and poked at the blob only to discover an innocent jellyfish. They paraded around, overjoyed by their find and stood with bold confidence as if they had just conquered the moon.

In such a simple moment, I realized something...How often am I just like those little boys? We face questionable and uncertain blobs in our lives and find ourselves petrified by uncertainty. In these moments, there are two kinds of people: the ones who run never finding out the real truth, and then there are the ones who stay discovering a deep treasure behind our fears.

Today I woke up afraid of the unknown, but thanks be to God who helps me see there is nothing really to fear. If I truly trust my Father in Heaven and go to him for courage, I will find all I need to face whatever mysterious blobs lie ahead. May we always remember the steadfast and unwavering confidence He provides if and when we go to him...

For the JOY set before Him He endured...

"But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up and he arose."
                                                      Mark 9:27

Recently, I been fighting through a sort of wilderness, if you will; a wild season of what feels like immense conflict and trial. I have given up so much of my time and my life to this job in the middle of nowhere with kids who do not understand the meaning of respect. Day to day I have felt like I have been fighting a losing battle in an environment constantly inflicting a feeling of assault on my mind, body and spirit. For months I have come home and cried on the floor because I have felt like such a failure, but even more so because I felt like if I quit I would be failing all the people who support and believe in me.

But, I have finally reached a place where I can hear God reminding me of who I am in the midst of all this. He never intended me to be a martyr or slave to the world or to people. He came to redeem me, to free me and save me from the world and its pressures and darkness.

“‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice, for I came not to call the righteous, but the sinners.”
                                                                 Matthew 9:13

Through perseverance, prayer, and endurance, I am returning again to claiming my identity in Christ, not in others approval or in earning salvation through work. It begins with recognizing our own insecurities and the things that are not of God. If we have secured ourselves in seeking the approval of anyone or anything but God, we often find ourselves facing struggle, dissatisfaction and disorientation until that fear, anxiety, and struggle break us of our attachments in that which is not of God. We are all too often haunted and assaulted by our “insecurities”: The prefix “in” means to be without such as– inability, inadequate, invisible etc. while the root word “secure” means to be grounded, attached even bound to something most often for stability. If we are not secure in the Lord and Him alone, we are “without” Him and without his security; we are like the ship tossed to and fro by the wind and the waves.

No matter where you are or what you are going through, I would challenge you to take some time to really reflect and remember who you are in Christ today. Be still and be alone with Him. Do not be afraid of whatever conflict you meet in your vulnerability, but embrace it as a means of developing character. I think these struggles are embedded into our lives sometimes to help us remember the value of what we really fight for every day; God actually allows it to show us the deeper story beneath our mundane and ordinary lives. He wants us to conquer what we are struggling with, tame it and bring order again to chaos. The challenges display how much we love what we are actually after– eternal life with Jesus. In the same way, think about the conflict and trial Christ endured His whole life up to the cross just to show us how much He loves us.  

The Bible makes so much more sense when we are actively following Christ. If we study it at rest it is really hard to make sense of it. But out in the trenches, on the battlefield, it is breath, it is life and it is milk and honey to our souls. As we try and live the life we were called to live, we will struggle because in the world you are facing equal and opposite resistance; you will face doubt and criticism, but belief is what makes it real. 

Just keep going, one step at a time. Jesus Christ moved through the place where fear would collapse most men and His ambition conquered the fear.

Luke 5:1-11

Here’s the story:

Jesus is pretty much a total celebrity at this point because he has been healing all these people and his ministry is at a peak. So there is this mob of people hoarding around him (aching to hear what He says and probably curious to see what He will do next) on the banks of this lake. At this point, Jesus walks up to this fisherman, Simon, as he is cleaning his nets getting ready for the next day of fishing. He basically just hops on into Simon’s boat and asks him to push him out into the water away from the people so he is not bombarded. 

First, He teaches the crowd of people and after that decides to tell these fishermen they need to go fishing again…they had a long, hard night the night before and caught nothing and yet Jesus tells them, to go out and fish again, right now. They obey, reluctantly, and what do you know? They catch such a HUGE net full of fish that their nets were breaking.

Here’s the story I heard behind the story:

And when he had finished speaking he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” And Simon answered, “Master, we struggled all night and caught nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.”  (v. 4-5)

Sometimes we have to learn to trust God by doing exactly what we have been doing every day, over and over again. These fishermen had been fishing every day for probably years, and then all of the sudden Jesus comes along and makes their job new again.

He tells us to trust Him, leave the bank and cast out into the deep (direct parallel to whatever you feel he has called you to do) even if you might have been there before and found nothing.

I am at this season of my life where often I feel overwhelmed by the tasks at hand, but through this scripture I felt like Jesus made something clear: Even if you have tried something before, sometimes God calls us to do it over again, maybe numerous times. But the difference comes when you ask yourself: are you doing it with him, or ignorantly trying to control and perform with your own abilities? How often we think we know everything and think we have control of our jobs and lives. I do, all the time, only to be blown away by things going completely another direction.

 “And when they had done this, they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. They signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them.” (v. 7)

When the fishermen trusted the Lord and did as He asked, they pulled in exactly what they had been striving after for so long. So much so, they could not even contain the amount…what they found exceeded every expectation and broke their worldly limitations.

Whatever place you are in right now, sometimes it’s a really heavy load to try and pull in all God has given you. Which is why, I think God was trying to remind me how I am not alone in this place of my life.  “They signaled to their partners…to come and help them.” How often, in the midst of the heavy loads and hard times do we ask for help?

Even the Godhead Himself is 3 in 1 and over and over he reminds us how it is not good for man to be alone: ex. Genesis 2:18, Ecc 4:10

But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus’ knees, saying, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.” For he and all who were with him were astonished at the catch of fish that they had taken… (v. 8-9)

Peter’s response to this was not excitement of how much worldly wealth he had acquired with his friends, but instead his response was to stop what he was doing and fall at the feet of Jesus, declaring his sinfulness. He fell before God recognizing his own sinfulness and becoming aware of how Jesus is enough.

And Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.” And when they had brought their boats to the land, they left everything and followed him.” (v. 10-11)

Jesus patiently and humbly never throws his divinity and sovereignty in our faces when we realize our sinfulness, but lovingly calls us to remember the Truth of who we are in the midst of our lives every day. No matter what we do from day to day, we are called to love others because He first loved us. As simple as that sounds, its not a formula and it looks different for all of us.

For me, I cannot be reminded enough to stop getting distracted by the things I cannot control. Instead I need to remember to approach my day to day life with joyful uncertainty, completely trusting God things will happen as they should.

ABIDE in Him as He ABIDES in you.  That word just gets me every time…

Surrender vs. Sacrifice

"For I desire mercy and not sacrifice; knowledge of God and not burnt offerings." 

Hosea 6:6 

After reading this verse in Hosea, all I could think about were two words: surrender and sacrifice. What do these two words look like in life and what is the difference between the two?

To surrender means to relinquish possession or control to another, to submit to the power, authority, and control of another....I think the step that follows surrendering to God is an act of sacrifice– the action of actually giving up these things. Surrender is to accept the call before you, but sacrifice is the literal carrying out of surrender.

"Surrendering (He accepted His call) to the Father’s will, He emptied Himself, became man and was found in the form of a servant whereby the Lord Jesus willingly gave Himself sacrificially (actually carried out in His life and through actions) that God’s will might be fulfilled in and though His life and death." 

Christ voluntarily surrendered Himself (emptied Himself) and anything and everything that stood in the way of the glory and gain of His Father through the sacrifice of His life.

Jesus' sacrifices actually began when He emptied himself of His privileges and the prerogatives that were His as the second person of the Trinity. In becoming man, He veiled and laid aside the voluntary use and glory of His many attributes as God the Son. Then, in this life on earth, He did without wealth, position, status, and even acceptance in that He was rejected by His own.

Surrendering to God’s agenda may mean sacrificing the things we hold most precious—our goods, reputation, comfort, convenience, and a whole list of other things we hold so tightly in our hands as well as those things we hope and plan for.

While part of our surrender is sacrificing those things that are appealing to our flesh, Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice; a sacrifice much bigger than our minor inconveniences. He sacrificed Himself for us, we surrender to this Truth. This Truth, that Jesus died for us so that we might live in freedom with Him, changes everything. It is almost impossible for us to even comprehend what that may mean, but that is why we continue to worship Him and continue to seek knowledge of Him...our entire lives are a process of sanctification, preparing us for the day we will come to know Him and the fullness of the Truth that set us free.

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God." 

Micah 6:8 

Lord, help me surrender my life to you every hour of every single day because you paid the sacrifice for me. Forgive us for our lack of understanding, but give us your living hope as we walk in faith. Help me know the Truth of who you are more and more...

"Faith is not the absence of doubt, but the presence of belief."

All things work by good design for those who believe.

4 weeks down.

First two weeks I was in survival mode. I fought through the days with a strong confidence on the outside, but the second the bell rang and the kids were out the door, my eyes gave way to tears.

I would not go as far as to say things have gotten easier, but every day has been different. I have managed to get in somewhat of a routine. Alarm goes off at 5:00am every morning, head straight to the coffee pot and then proceed to transform my image into this new teacher look I've got going on: J. Crew outfits dominate my closet, Nike shorts and T-shirts are reserved for the second I walk back in the door.

6:10am-6:40am
Commuting via carpool to school with my wonderful colleagues.

6:40am-7:30am
Consists of mainly coaxing the copy machine to work, conversations with my stapler, singing aloud to my favorite wake-up songs in my room as I prepare to face the day etc. 

7:30am-8:30am
My first student, same one every day, walks in at 7:30am on the dot. I love this little boy, he cannot sit still...whether army crawling on the floor, bouncing up and down in his chair, or dancing between the desks I am convinced this muffin has ants in pants. My homeroom class has quickly become my little family. They eat breakfast (a delicious Title 1 meal with absolutely zero nutrition such as pizza or corn dogs) in my room then spend a half an hour practicing reading. Currently, I read to them a few days a week out of "James and the Giant Peach" by Ronald Dhal. I take my place in the reading chair while my children gather around me like my baby ducklings. They love when I read to them and especially when I read in accents, "Oooo Miss Pitts, how you do that?! You sound like you from English."

8:35am-9:45am
First period class consists of my homeroom plus about 10 more kids who file in. My students are grouped by standardized test scores and this class is my lowest performing. They are all on a 3rd grade reading level, some even lower. I have noticed I show significantly more joy and energy in this class...haven't yet figured out how to pace myself.

9:50am-11:00am
Second period class is nuts. There are so many of them, I just do not know how to make them stop talking. Its literally like mosquitos buzzing in my ear for 70 mins. I may resort to lighting some citronella candles in there.

11:00am-11:30am
6th grade lunch in the cafeteria aka CHAOS. This is when I put on my serious teacher face, stand in a corner of the cafeteria, and hover around my daily lunch detention crew. They sit there eating their lunch in silence until eventually I sit down with them and torture them with questions:

Ms Pitts: "What good does it do to tell Javonte his mama is ugly? You do not even know his mom and he does not know yours."

Student: "But Ms. Pitts, nobody talks about my mama!"

Ms. Pitts: "He does not even know your mama, so why do you let it bother you? And why are you looking at me like you just sucked on a lemon?"

Student: "Ugh. Ms. Pitts I ain't doing that. I didn't do anything."

Ms. Pitts: "Go look at yourself in the mirror and I want to see you smile tomorrow."

11:30am-12:45pm
My planning period/my little time of serenity and sanity! Most days I just sit behind my desk, turn on Josh Garrels, eat lunch and pray for my kids until I am ready to actually be productive again.

12:50pm-2:00pm
Fifth period is my "highest" achieving class, therefore their behavior is probably the best. As far as I can tell they appear to actually be learning, but there are some relationships kindling between some of the boys and girls...lets just say the notes I pick up make me laugh. So romantic.

2:05pm-3:15pm
I mentally prepare for Sixth period like preparing for battle..."Breathe Jennie, just breathe." Walk in to my class in this time period and I can promise you, as your jaw drops from the chaos and you plug your ears to muffle the noise level, you will walk out with a story. The second they enter the room quickly transforms into a jungle of all kinds of monkeys from gorillas to chimpanzees and spider monkeys. Please someone send me a taser or some form of behavior management weapon...these kids are crazy.

Aside from the two fist fights I broke up in that class, we are slowly building our relationship and I am working my way through this challenge with a stern face. I am determined to reach these kids...one by one, they WILL behave, they WILL learn and they WILL respect.

3:30pm 
The teacher across the hallway has a little boy in kindergarten...every day when the clock strikes half past 3:00pm, my little sunshine runs in my door and bounds and leaps in my lap. Every day, he is my day maker. For all you single gentlemen out there, I would recommend taking some lessons from a 5 year old, hes officially conquered my heart...

Although school is over at 3:15pm every day, somehow I do not usually return home until around 5:30pm. The second sixth period is over, I take a deep breath, clean up my room, organize my papers and spend some time gathering myself for the next day.

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not recieve the kingdom of God like a child will never enter it." –Luke 18:15-17

All through out the day, little heads constantly pop in and out of my door in passing just to say hello. Little do they know each small voice feeds whatever it is within me that keeps me going. Even though I do not know what I am doing most days, I deeply care about my students. I truly believe all things work by good design for those who believe.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..." –Colossians 3:23

What is prayer?

The word Psalms comes from a Greek word which means, "a song sung to the accompaniment of a musical instrument." 

On rainy days my mood becomes somber and calmed, while on sunny days my mood seems to lift. I like to think of a soundtrack playing in the background of my life...on good days, I walk with a pep in my step and its almost like I'm dancing to jazz or skipping to some folk music, but on rainy days, my head hangs lower and I love my slow chill Josh Garrels music. Every day, the songs I sing to God change with the music playing in the background of my life. While we cannot always control our circumstances or what weather comes, we can control how we respond to what comes our way every day.

The Psalms are prayers; David's intimate and personal response to the different seasons in his life. Sometimes he sings praises, while in others I cannot find apparent joy but only remorse or pain. I love the authenticity of the psalms, they make me feel like I am not alone in the way I feel sometimes. I realize it is okay to be mad or upset or in pain or confused, and then there are days when things make complete sense and all I can do is praise Him with a smile. The most valuable thing we can begin to learn about prayer is God just wants us to come exactly how we are; in honesty and truth.  

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life; whom shall I be afraid?"

                          –Psalm 27: 1

Light exposes us, it exposes the darkness in our lives and makes us recognize how hopeless and helpless we are without Jesus. When we finally begin to see how deeply Jesus loves us, we begin to see how near he is to us even on the days it may not feel like it.

Prayer is really just the realization we need Jesus and we just want to be with Him. The true meaning of prayer comes upon us when we finally become fully conscious of our brokenness.

What does prayer mean to you?

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord."

                     –Psalms 27:13-14

I smile when I look up

Its been quite difficult to grasp one of the thousands of thoughts constantly racing through my head before it disappears into the fleeting abyss of my mind. But, I have managed to find rest in simply living in moments of clarity, moments of joy, moment upon moment of truly accepting life for what it brings.

This is a new season for me, its a season of truly living out faith in a new and unfamiliar place. I no longer have hours of college-life to sit still, read, write and absorb the beauty of music, language and art. A bud can only absorb so much from its source before it must burst with color and life. Its time to open up to a new place in the world and share the shades of color I have conjured up to this point. 

Charleston, SC 

I am about to begin teaching 6th grade social stuides at a school in Holly Hill, South Carolina. I have few memories about what it was like to be in middle school, but from what I remember, its not easy. Hormones are raging and its that time in your life when you have little idea of who you are or what you aspire to become. These kiddos just need direction as I needed then and continue to need now. As their teacher, I really just want to serve as a source of inspiration and hope for them.

Coming from a entirely different society and culture this rural school is unfamiliar and the people are intriguingly different. I am nervous of the change coming, but also eagerly anticipating a new perspective and clearer understanding of the world I live in.

As all things with Him turn out to be–all things work for the good of those who love Him. I believe and know He is with me and guiding me down this twisting and turning path. I smile when I look up because there I see peace and gentle rest. Creation echos a reminder that even when we are frustrated by our inability to understand circumstance, manifestations of divine comfort cushion the harsh realities around us. Our only reasonable option is to rely on the Word and the promises of God. 

“I may repeat "Do as you would be done by" till I am black in the fact, but I cannot really carry it out till I love my neighbour as myself: and I cannot learn to love my neighbour as myself till I learn to love God: and I cannot learn to love God except by learning to obey Him. And so, as I warned you, we are driven on to something more inward - driven on from social matters to religious matters. For the longest way round is the shortest way home." 

–C.S. Lewis 

Dream big.

Enjoy your story.

Dark Side of the Lens

Live creatively. 

I feel changed.

"It is a bit exhausting to hear over and over again how "awesome" you are when you, in fact, know very well you are not." -Katie Davis

I understand Katie Davis. I understand the truth of how I am not as "awesome" as people cut me out to be. My whole life I have believed the lie that I must meet the expectations set before me. I strive to work harder and harder, then wind up tired and empty.

I have spent my whole life in a comfortable bubble. I have always made A's on my report cards and had access to the best schools. I have always lived in the financial safety net of my parents. I have a solid support system in friends and family. I have never fought a life-threatening sickness. I have never even broken a bone. I do not know what its like to fear for my life. I do not know what its like to live in the midst of life-altering drugs or raging alcohol addictions. I have never had to fight for the freedom to be completely myself.

Living amongst the most diverse group of people I have ever encountered in my life, I feel changed.

No matter how hard I work for these kids, no matter how much I want them to succeed, no matter how many days I do not sleep trying to make the greatest lesson plans, I wind up tired and empty again. I realize life is not about what I can do to save the world. Life is about adoring the one who made life at all.

"In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Phil 4:12-13

Try as I may, try as I might I will never meet the expectations of humans, but praise Jesus He met them for me. Without Jesus, I wind up chocking for air in a sandstorm of expectations and worldly desires.

So yes, I feel changed, but changed in a humble kind of way knowing every face around me has the same story. The one who makes our heart beat and gave us breathe sent his only Son to save us all, He came and died so that we may live. God sees our righteousness even at our worst, and yearns to set us free.

Where we end, He is just beginning.

Teach for America Institute

"We habitually and instinctively look to other things besides God and his grace as our justification, hope, significance and security. We believe the gospel at one level, but at deeper levels we do not. Human approval, professional success, power and influence, family and clan identity- all of these things serve as our heart’s “functional trust” rather than what Christ has done, and as a result we continue to be driven to a great degree by fear, anger, and lack of self-control. You cannot change such things through mere will-power, through learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. We must feed on the gospel, as it were, digesting it and making it part of ourselves. That is how we grow." -Tim Keller

A quick update:

Life has been crazy, its amazing how quickly 3 weeks has flown by. The days are long, but the weeks go by quick. I am currently in Atlanta, GA living in the dorms of Georgia Tech with about 750 other TFA corps members. The South Carolina (there are only 86 of us), New Orleans (250+), Atlanta (250+), Ohio (35 members) and a few smaller regions are all together at institute to train. We all wake up around 5:15am then have breakfast at 6:00am and we are all on school buses by 6:30am to be transported to our assigned inner city schools. I was placed at Brown Middle School in the neighborhood where Martin Luther King grew up. My kids will go from this middle school to Booker T. Washington HS, where MLK graduated from. I am currently teaching an 8th grade English class from 9:00-9:55am with about 12 kids...all African American and carrying lots of baggage from home. Theres a story behind every one of their little faces.

The time I am not teaching, we are rigorously working in classrooms in workshops and lecture sessions. Its an extremely overwhelming amount of information to absorb and my brain often feels like mush. But, I am still alive and thanks to Camp Ozark, I know my limits and how to take care of myself. I refuse to sacrifice sleep, exercise and nutrition so I am one of the few who still has my head held high. People are quickly realizing how things start tumbling down the second you stop taking care of yourself. Its about that time when people are starting to quit and give up, there have been lots of tears and break downs around this place. Good thing, I love to encourage people! haha. 

I am having a hard time learning how to lesson plan, but I know it will come. I just have to keep trying and learning from failures. I'll admit, its not easy at all. I love my kids and I know they know I care, but its hard to make learning "fun" for them. I feel like, they are so desensitized to failure that they really dont care about grades and they are just not motivated in school. Last week I taught them about MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech and we had to find the methods he uses to advance his argument (allusions, repetition and metaphors). Something that is so easy for you and I is like a foreign language to them. Most of them, cannot even write complete sentences. They cant spell and they have a hard time reading. It brings tears to my eyes to think about how privileged I have been...why was I born in such a wonderful home? I could have been born into this situation just like them. 

I may never have such an incredible opportunity to be exposed to such diversity again. Just within TFA I walk down the hallway and there are 10 different accents from all around the country, there are Buddists, Muslims, Jewish, Atheistic people and then I go to these schools and the culture is like nothing I have ever known....this is an amazing experience. It is bringing out my strengths, but more importantly forcing me to see my weaknesses and face them. 

I could go on and on, but I have to get back to lesson planning! All that to say, I am in an incredible place of growth and I could not do it without your support! I love you all so much and I am so beyond thankful for the people in my life!! 

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement, you have no idea how refreshing it is just knowing you all are behind me.

Miss Pitts :)

"Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." Luke 12:48

The Mountaintop

The days have been long and every day I crawl into bed only to fall into deep sleep, but there is a peace flooding over me. Since I arrived about a week ago, my Teach for America training has been a whirlwind. Tonight is the first night I have sat down to even try to process anything. I still do not know my placement, where I will move when we get back on July 23, who I will live with, what school I will teach at, what class I will specifically teach, and on top of all this I found out last week I have to re-take this treacherous standardized test on Saturday at 6:30am. Its really beyond me how or why I have not been overcome by anxiety since I have had every opportunity to succumb to it. At this point, I am so thankful to be here because I know this is exactly where I am meant to be. Every day I feel myself climbing this steep hill, but I refuse to take my eyes off the mountain top. I can see the light from above and all I can think about is how I just want to do God's will. I know I will stumble and I know I will fall, but more than that I know He will help me up.

"Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter with me now, because I've been to the mountaintop."

-MLK Jr. 

Beginning on Monday, I get the chance to teach my own class of 8th grade English and we are ironically analyzing one of Martin Luther King Jr.'s speeches. He grew up near this middle school and went to the high school my students will go to next year. After reading his speech, the passage above stood out to me. Dr. King had wisdom and he knew something about a hope many have yet to discover. 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

Romans 12:12

Thank you for your prayers, they are powerful and effective. It is only the beginning of a long two years and I cannot wait to share my experiences with you! I will try to continue writing, but be patient with me.  

Freely Give

The time has finally arrived, I leave Monday for a long summer of TFA training in Atlanta, GA. As I prepare, I have been reading and re-reading my favorite story about Jesus walking on water in Matthew 14. It always inspires me to get out of the boat and experience defying gravity and the laws of nature with Jesus Christ. Even when we sink (which we always will, over and over again), all we have to do is cry out for Him to help us and scripture says, "Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him..." We have to persevere even in the face of trial and difficulty; it is in the midst of the wind and the waves we are lifted up NOT by ourselves, but by Jesus' strength alone. Faith believes when everything around you tries to dissuade you, faith makes possible the impossible.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33 

There is a story preceding Jesus walking on water, about Jesus feeding five thousand with a few loaves and fishes. 

But Jesus said, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.” They said to him, “We have only five loaves here and two fish.” And he said, “Bring them here to me.” Matthew 14:16-18

Initially Jesus gives us gifs and the things we have, but until we surrender and lay them at his feet, He cannot use them to feed the thousands. What loaves and fishes have I yet to bring to Him? He freely gives me my life, but not just for myself. It is easy for us to get caught up in ourselves and believing what we have is for the benefit of ourselves, but how much could we give of our lives if we let go of the burden and allow Jesus to perform the miracle. He does not ask us to solve the world's hunger, he just asks the disciples to bring Him something to work with. The gift is not our gifts themselves, but in the experience of handing them over to Jesus and trusting Him to use them for His glory, not our own. 


What does that look like for us right now?


Personally, it is recognizing how pride has deceivingly caused me to believe I have little or nothing to give. I can relate to the disciples when they approach Jesus with a measly five loaves and two fish...they must be thinking "Wow, this is nothing and definitely not enough to feed five thousand people! There is no way we can even attempt to feed all these people."


How immature and prideful of us to limit God and believe He cannot do the impossible. Once again, our lack of belief in God's power inhibits not only us, but God Himself...how much more could we do for the Kingdom if we truly believed in God's power to work through measly humans like us? We cannot pretend to know how God uses us, but we can surrender our lives in complete faith knowing he does use us. We have been equipped with many gifts and have no right to deserve any praise for anything, but Jesus has every right to use us, we are His. Serve the least of your brothers when they are hungry, thirsty or need something to wear. The hardest part for me is trying to feed those who do not recognize their own hunger, but then recognizing I fall into that category also.

"Home Again" by Michael Kiwanuka

Home again, Home again
One day I know
I'll feel home again
Born again, Born again


One day I know

I'll feel strong again

I left my head

Many times I've been told

All this talk will make you old

So I close my eyes

Look behind

Moving on, moving on

So I close my eyes

Look behind

Moving on

Lost again, Lost again

One day I know

Our Paths will Cross again

Smile again , Smile again

One day I hope 

To make you smile again

I won't hide

Many times I've been told

Speak your mind, just be bold

So I close my eyes

Look behind

Moving on, moving on

So I close my eyes

And the tears will clear

Then I feel no fear

Then I'd feel no way

My paths will remain straight

Home again, Home again

One day I know

I'll feel home again

Home again, Home again

One day I know

I'll feel strong again

I left my head

Many times I've been told

All this talk will make you old

So I close my eyes

Look behind

Moving on, moving on

So I close my eyes

Look behind

Moving on

HAPPY GRADUATION!