Where does my martyrdom mentality come from?
I have an illness, appearing in the form of discontentment with my body image, dislike of myself, refusal to be served, unwillingness to accept my own worthiness, fear of someone actually loving me as I am...I am so afraid of actually believing I am good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough.
My sinful flesh is so loud, and clear. I am so afraid of accepting Grace for fear of taking advantage of it. I don't trust myself to live completely free in God's love, without chains to my sinful identity.
It's as though Jesus is calling me to walk on water, "Come, get out of the boat, and be free with me to defy the ways of the world." but I am too afraid to let go of the boat, too afraid to trust myself to not stray from Jesus once I begin walking towards Him. I cling to my humanity, to my sin, to my flesh almost like a self-inflicted wound. Feel pain, just a little bit, all the time, as a reminder of where I came from and what Jesus saves me from. It's a control thing...a desire to control my own salvation. Just like Eve the thoughts and lies in my head go around and around for the past 27 years, "...but did God really say he loves me, completely, all of me? Could it be true? But I am not good enough for Him to love, I don't deserve Him. My own earthly father didn't even tell me I was beautiful, so how can I be beautiful? But I don't look like Kate Hudson, Natalie Walker, Jennifer Aniston, so how could I ever be worthy of affection?
What does it mean to "live in Grace"?
-not pursuing passions and selfish ambition "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather count others more significant than yourself." Phil 2:3
-being defined by Jesus, and what He has done for me on the cross. Loving His law because He says it is good. Obeying His commandments. Honoring Him in my words and actions.
-desiring to become more like Christ, not for selfish ambition, but as we fall more in love with Jesus, the Spirit naturally transforms our hearts to become more like him. "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Gal 2:20
I am the younger brother in the prodigal son lately, I have gone to the Father and asked for my inheritance of Grace, in full. Then I ran and exploited it, using it for my own fleshly desires and passions. I have returned to you, Father with a humbled heart; feeling unworthy of your acceptance, humiliated and ashamed of using the wealth you gave me for myself. I come before you now and ask for your forgiveness, make me a slave in your household...but instead of punishment, you ran to me, picked me up from the pit, put your robe of righteousness over me, kissed my feet and called me yours. You have killed the fattened calf for me, and washed me clean of my sins.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
"Nothing happens to anyone that he is not fitted by nature to bear." -Maximus
Tonight was one of those nights when I just wanted to come home, cuddle up in bed and escape the chaos of the world. So I found myself lying in my bed immersed in the relentless courage and valor of Maximus in Gladiator. Whether Maximus or William Wallace, something about the Savior character always manages to make my heart race and send tears streaming down my face by the end of the movie. This time, instead of tears came contemplation after Maximus states one of his many bold lines in the movie:
When was the last time I indisputably believed, without question, God is enough for me?
As a child, my innate adventurous and daring nature took me racing through fields bareback on horses, swimming in cool summer streams, climbing to the highest branches and fully believing the world was at my fingertips. Back then, I never once questioned what people would think of me, or if I was good enough. In my world, horses could talk and nothing inhibited my outrageous imagination. There were no limits, whatsoever, to possibility and no one could convince me otherwise.
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No wonder Jesus told his disciples,"...unless you become like children you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 18:3
And no wonder his Spirit inspires people today, like JK Rowling and CS Lewis, to write children's books about magical worlds and flying dragons.
And no wonder I still read them.
As we grow up we tend to question our own abilities again, and again. The world and whatever forces at work within it seem to bridle our childhood fearlessness and instill in us a foreign sense of self-doubt. The Truth of who we were born to be in Eden was interrupted by the serpents question, "But did God say...". Today it is the same voice of the Fall that makes us reach for control and doubt if God has provided enough for us. Instead of listening to the whisper of who we were created to be, we listen to the voice of the world screaming at us to become who we think we should be.
Our royal identity as Sons and Daughters of the King of all Kings is now the object of our insecurities; what was once so indisputably ingrained in us when we were formed has now become the birthplace of our deepest fears.
I don't know about you, but I would much rather be the little girl who races through fields and relentlessly believes, even when it doesn't make sense to believe; even if it means being disappointed over, and over again. Like Maximus, I want to carry myself with an air of true honor and courage; I want to believe without question, I have been completely and utterly equipped to bear all things, believe all things, endure all things because my Hope does not put me to shame.
So, the question is: who were you before you started questioning who you were?
"Faith is not the absence of doubt but the presence of belief."
"My child, there is not happiness without courage, no virtue without sorrow."
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7
"Nothing happens to anyone that he is not fitted by nature to bear."At once I heard a voice in my head quietly murmuring, "What am I fitted by nature to bear?" In other words, I felt myself questioning if I really believe I am equipped enough for my own battles.
When was the last time I indisputably believed, without question, God is enough for me?
As a child, my innate adventurous and daring nature took me racing through fields bareback on horses, swimming in cool summer streams, climbing to the highest branches and fully believing the world was at my fingertips. Back then, I never once questioned what people would think of me, or if I was good enough. In my world, horses could talk and nothing inhibited my outrageous imagination. There were no limits, whatsoever, to possibility and no one could convince me otherwise.
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No wonder Jesus told his disciples,"...unless you become like children you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 18:3
And no wonder his Spirit inspires people today, like JK Rowling and CS Lewis, to write children's books about magical worlds and flying dragons.
And no wonder I still read them.
As we grow up we tend to question our own abilities again, and again. The world and whatever forces at work within it seem to bridle our childhood fearlessness and instill in us a foreign sense of self-doubt. The Truth of who we were born to be in Eden was interrupted by the serpents question, "But did God say...". Today it is the same voice of the Fall that makes us reach for control and doubt if God has provided enough for us. Instead of listening to the whisper of who we were created to be, we listen to the voice of the world screaming at us to become who we think we should be.
Our royal identity as Sons and Daughters of the King of all Kings is now the object of our insecurities; what was once so indisputably ingrained in us when we were formed has now become the birthplace of our deepest fears.
I don't know about you, but I would much rather be the little girl who races through fields and relentlessly believes, even when it doesn't make sense to believe; even if it means being disappointed over, and over again. Like Maximus, I want to carry myself with an air of true honor and courage; I want to believe without question, I have been completely and utterly equipped to bear all things, believe all things, endure all things because my Hope does not put me to shame.
So, the question is: who were you before you started questioning who you were?
"Faith is not the absence of doubt but the presence of belief."
"My child, there is not happiness without courage, no virtue without sorrow."
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7
Sunday, November 3, 2013
"Seek God to find Him, & find God to keep searching for God forever."
“Experience has taught me that I connect best with others when I connect with the core of myself.
When I allow God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful.
I take myself less seriously, become aware that the breath of the Father is on my face.”
- Brennan Manning
The last time I blogged, I was out of my boat, riding some scary and wild waves of trust and I had finally reached the great heights of exhilarating freedom. Now, here I am a few months later, still free-falling in the wake of a newfound understanding of Grace. I wake up every day looking up to majestic mountains out my bedroom window, praising God for who He is and who I am. My view of God continues to grow every day and with it, my own identity continues to be strengthened by Him and Him alone. Through my experiences here in Colorado, I have realized the simple truth of crying the Gospel with your life and communicating it through relationships. Each day I experience a deeper understanding of His love for me and everything in the world seems to point me back to it as I see it with fresh eyes.
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Christianity is not a burden, it is not a legalistic set of rules, it is not a moral structure, you have nothing to prove; it is a real and severely intimate love affair with the only One who matters.
Jesus Christ comes to us in our complete brokenness, in our insecurities, in our false sense of self-righteousness, and calls us his own. In Deuteronomy 4:24, God is described as a "consuming fire"... How many of us are only willing to draw close enough to this fire to be warmed and comforted, but not willing to be consumed by it and completely created new? I can honestly say I am often afraid to surrender everything to God. It is a scary thing to let go of control, but boy, oh boy, is it good.
As Brennan Manning says, "I dare you to trust that (God) loves you just as you are, not as you should be. Because you are never going to be as you should be."
"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart." Proverbs 21:12
3 minutes of Truth, well worth your time:
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Learning to walk again.
I fell asleep last night to what seemed like the re-play of an old home video playing in my mind: I was a small child with blonde curls and chubby legs, wobbling and shaking as my Dad began teaching me to walk. Fear and uncertainty clearly showing on my face, I definitely did not want to be standing on my own with nothing to grasp for stability. But, my Dad was standing in front of me with arms wide open, a smile of reassurance on his face, beckoning me forward. One step at a time, I inched my way back into the safety of his big, strong arms...
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It has been a couple months since I have written anything on my blog. So much has changed and happened in my life, but God wasn't lying when He said he is always the same. He remains consistent and faithful even when we are so very unfaithful.
"if we are faithless, he remains faithful–for he cannot deny himself." 2 Timothy 2:13
July 21
After a long year of TFA working as a 6th grade teacher in South Carolina, I decided it was okay to move on from a very unsustainable and unsupported job. So when my lease ended, I packed up a Uhaul trailer and set out on the next leg of my grand adventure.
After a week and a half road trip across the country from Charleston to Nashville to Chicago to Wisconsin to Omaha to Colorado, I finally landed in my final destination beneath the Flatiron mountains of Boulder, Colorado. Initially, I moved upon accepting a job at a "group home" for young girls and also discovering a place to rest my head at the home of a mutual friend from Charleston. Things looked uncertain, but totally great as I traveled along many intertwining interstates of the USA.
August 22
I am still in Boulder, now without a job due to several red flags and totally uncertain of what in the world I am doing. I guess you could say I am the epitome of a "free-spirited hippie" at this point and the world is probably looking at me calling me everything from entirely irresponsible to lost and totally crazy.
But, this morning I awoke remembering vividly the childhood film replaying in my mind. He's teaching me to walk again, and everything is going to be okay. Sometimes, we have to embrace that terrifying place of complete and utter trust in God alone; no attachments, no bondage, no commitments, no security before He scoops us back up in His arms and tells us, "Good job, little girl. I knew you could do it, you just had to believe. I was never going to let you hurt yourself."
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(photo cred: hilittlebird.com)
It has been a couple months since I have written anything on my blog. So much has changed and happened in my life, but God wasn't lying when He said he is always the same. He remains consistent and faithful even when we are so very unfaithful.
"if we are faithless, he remains faithful–for he cannot deny himself." 2 Timothy 2:13
July 21
After a long year of TFA working as a 6th grade teacher in South Carolina, I decided it was okay to move on from a very unsustainable and unsupported job. So when my lease ended, I packed up a Uhaul trailer and set out on the next leg of my grand adventure.
After a week and a half road trip across the country from Charleston to Nashville to Chicago to Wisconsin to Omaha to Colorado, I finally landed in my final destination beneath the Flatiron mountains of Boulder, Colorado. Initially, I moved upon accepting a job at a "group home" for young girls and also discovering a place to rest my head at the home of a mutual friend from Charleston. Things looked uncertain, but totally great as I traveled along many intertwining interstates of the USA.
August 22
I am still in Boulder, now without a job due to several red flags and totally uncertain of what in the world I am doing. I guess you could say I am the epitome of a "free-spirited hippie" at this point and the world is probably looking at me calling me everything from entirely irresponsible to lost and totally crazy.
But, this morning I awoke remembering vividly the childhood film replaying in my mind. He's teaching me to walk again, and everything is going to be okay. Sometimes, we have to embrace that terrifying place of complete and utter trust in God alone; no attachments, no bondage, no commitments, no security before He scoops us back up in His arms and tells us, "Good job, little girl. I knew you could do it, you just had to believe. I was never going to let you hurt yourself."
Friday, April 26, 2013
One Student. One Story.
A couple weeks ago, word reverberated down the hall and into
my classroom that we had received a “new student”. Most of the time, the phrase
“new student” refers students who have been transferred as a result of bad
behavior from another school. But this time it was different…Jessica's head of dirty blonde hair does not yet reach above my shoulder. Her brown eyes and
sweet freckles accompany her authenticity.
The first day I met Jessica, her quiet demeanor and
politeness took me by surprise. Having been at this middle school now for 8
months, I unfortunately had become quite desensitized to authentic
respectfulness. Somehow she was placed in the loudest class with the most
dominant girls in the grade. It was apparent that the class did not know what
to do with Jessica or how to treat her. They seemed to flip flop between
respect for her and feeling threatened by her. Anytime she spoke up in class,
they rolled their eyes or jumped on her with aggressive remarks.
Surprisingly, unlike most sweet little girls thrown into a completely
new culture and tough environment, Jessica held her own. Though her face might
have acquired little red splotches, she would genuinely put the other students in their place
with firm rebuttals, or humbly ignore them and focus on her work.
Battling my own way through this environment, I have watched Jessica do the same. She is a strong girl and a firm believer. Talking to her
I have sensed her wisdom beyond her years. She is strong and determined, always
clinging to hope. Even on the days I see tears in her eyes, her words are
faithful and she believes things will get better. Today she wrote me a letter
in response to a long note of encouragement I shared with her after a tearful day:
“To: Miss Pitts
From: Jessica
Dear Miss Pitts,
You are right. I do
have to look on the bright side. School is almost out and I am going to North
Dakota for the summer!! So I will have a lot of fun. And I will also get
new ideas to get me through next year. I always want to cry when I talk about
going because I am so excited!!! And sometimes I do feel like some
people see the way I treat the teachers and students. Sometimes I just want to
give up, but I know that will get me nowhere. When the kids are mean to me I
just think of the summer.
Love, Jessica”
I saw myself in this sweet little girl today and she brought me comfort. Thank you, heavenly Father,
for delighting in me and gifting me with encouragement through the sweet and innocent love of your children. May we continue seeking you in the little things every day.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The Jellyfish
The beach is not exactly my favorite place to be, but today I needed to feel the wind against my face so I went for a run. After a good hour of pounding out the thoughts in my head, I took off my shoes and walked in the ocean.
As I asked God to calm my anxious thoughts and give me reassurance, I saw five little boys crowded around a blob in the sand. Walking by them they ran around and yelled, eyes full of fear and trepidation as if the blob was about to jump up and eat them whole. Each time they ran away, they would immediately go to their Dad for a little courage and then return again to the mysterious blob in the sand. Finally as their Dad made his way down the beach to the blob with them, the boys bent over and poked at the blob only to discover an innocent jellyfish. They paraded around, overjoyed by their find and stood with bold confidence as if they had just conquered the moon.
In such a simple moment, I realized something...How often am I just like those little boys? We face questionable and uncertain blobs in our lives and find ourselves petrified by uncertainty. In these moments, there are two kinds of people: the ones who run never finding out the real truth, and then there are the ones who stay discovering a deep treasure behind our fears.
Today I woke up afraid of the unknown, but thanks be to God who helps me see there is nothing really to fear. If I truly trust my Father in Heaven and go to him for courage, I will find all I need to face whatever mysterious blobs lie ahead. May we always remember the steadfast and unwavering confidence He provides if and when we go to him...
As I asked God to calm my anxious thoughts and give me reassurance, I saw five little boys crowded around a blob in the sand. Walking by them they ran around and yelled, eyes full of fear and trepidation as if the blob was about to jump up and eat them whole. Each time they ran away, they would immediately go to their Dad for a little courage and then return again to the mysterious blob in the sand. Finally as their Dad made his way down the beach to the blob with them, the boys bent over and poked at the blob only to discover an innocent jellyfish. They paraded around, overjoyed by their find and stood with bold confidence as if they had just conquered the moon.
In such a simple moment, I realized something...How often am I just like those little boys? We face questionable and uncertain blobs in our lives and find ourselves petrified by uncertainty. In these moments, there are two kinds of people: the ones who run never finding out the real truth, and then there are the ones who stay discovering a deep treasure behind our fears.
Today I woke up afraid of the unknown, but thanks be to God who helps me see there is nothing really to fear. If I truly trust my Father in Heaven and go to him for courage, I will find all I need to face whatever mysterious blobs lie ahead. May we always remember the steadfast and unwavering confidence He provides if and when we go to him...
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